"He that rebuketh a man afterwards shall find more favor than he that flattereth with the tongue."
Proverbs 28:23
“He that rebuketh a man afterwards shall find more favor,”
This idea Solomon has written about before. It is something that parents, teachers, bosses, and friends need to know and be willing to practice on occasion.
“Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee. Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be yet wiser: teach a just man, and he will increase in learning” (Proverbs 9:8-9).
Knowing ahead of time that a good outcome is possible, can make the task of correction not quite as burdensome. Although we must be cautious about how we approach correcting others.
Working with student discipline in a Bible college has confirmed several kinds of responses to rebuke. As this verse says, some students at first, when confronted with their error, became angry with the reproof. Sharing with a person, what he has done wrong can really set off a person’s “Genesis three nature!” No one enjoys being told that they are in error. When being confronted by wrongdoing, it’s logical to want to throw blame around to get the heat off ourselves. But shortly, as the Lord has had time to work in their hearts, they have come to appreciate the correction. And through the years several have shared their thanks that they were challenged about their sin. It can be lifechanging.
Another lesson learned by sitting on the discipline side of the conference table was that the way criticism is meted, is very important. When rebuke is presented with an angry, or condescending, or “holier-than-thou” attitude, the desired result for change is seldom seen. James said,
“For the wrath of man worketh, not the righteousness of God” (James 1:20).
Great care must be given to how we approach a person to chasten.
“Reproofs, though deserved, should be administered with a sparing hand. Incessant finding fault defeats its own end. It only irritates the reproved”1 (Thompson).
If we seek it, the Lord will give us wisdom in how we rebuke our friend.
“Than he that flattereth with the tongue.”
Telling a person what they might want to hear, at the moment, might keep the heat down, but in the end, the deception will not help their soul. Job reminded his “friends” of the terrible consequences of not telling his friends the truth but flattering instead. Flattering words are one form of slander.
“He that speaketh flattery to his friends, even the eyes of his children shall fail” (Job 17:5).
Believers, we need to “speak the truth in love” to others (Ephesians 4:14-15). When we are called upon to deliver a rebuke, let’s do so with grace on our lips.
1. T.W. Thompson, in The Biblical Illustrator, the electronic version in eSword.